Theatre review: The Snail House

There are many multi-talented theatremakers who spend their whole careers working - sometimes with varying levels of success - in a number of different disciplines. There are also those who, later in their careers, decide to use their years of experience to add another string to their bow, usually playwrighting. Richard Eyre's career as a director has been a particularly distinguished one, including running the National Theatre, and he isn't entirely without writing experience either, having done a number of his own adaptations of existing work. But The Snail House - which he also directs on Hampstead's main stage - is his first completely original piece of writing for the theatre. I've seen actors, directors and critics make this kind of late addition to their careers, and I'd like to say it usually pays off, but in my experience it's surprisingly common for them to fall into every trap a play can possibly set.

Inspired by the pandemic, and the way it made household names of senior doctors like Tank Fly Boss Walk Jam Nitty-Gritty You're Listening To The Boy Called Professor Chris Whitty, the play follows senior paediatrician Neil (Vincent Franklin.)

Initially critical of the government's (lack of) response he eventually fell in line, including consulting on a controversial decision to keep schools open. It's his birthday, but the real reason he's hosting a party is because he was handed a knighthood in appreciation. The location is, for some reason, the elite public school he sent his son Hugo to (a stuffily imposing design from Tim Hatley,) so outside caterers have been hired, and in between scenes of Neil and his family arguing, we see Wynona (Megan McDonnell) and Habeeb (Raphel Famotibe) setting the table for dinner, then clearing it after the interval while the party takes place next door. The usual catering manager is ill, and without warning they're being supervised by Florence (Amanda Bright,) whom they've never seen before, but who briskly takes control of preparations.

The Snail House is an issues play. Which issues? Oh, all of them. At times the dialogue gives up on forming sentences altogether and the characters just shout "Brexit!" and "Greta Thunberg!" at each other. I say characters, it's a bit of a generous term for mouthpieces for opposing opinions. At the centre is Neil, who's kept his Burnley accent but social-climbed ruthlessly, sending his son to a school that's turned Hugo into an obnoxious, oleaginous extremist Tory advisor who defends his description of Covid as a "necessary cull," and whom Patrick Walshe McBride plays as a camp supervillain.

Daughter Sarah (Grace Hogg-Robinson) didn't drink the right-wing Kool-Aid so she's a dedicated Extinction Rebellion member; her father thinks she's doing nothing with her life and should do something for an important cause, just, I guess, not that one? (While he flings every opinion under the sun at the stage, Eyre does end up coming across pretty right-leaning; he seems to have little patience for Sarah's concerns*, while the grotesque crypto-fascist Hugo is portrayed as a bit of a lovable scamp, throwing in queeny asides from the corner.)

Worst-served is Eva Pope as Val, Neil's wife who exists just to say that despite them not liking each other much and his many affairs, she still loves her husband because *shrug*. At one point she threatens to leave the party early, and disappears so long from the story I thought she had. Her one, accidental shining moment is when her family have been making angry speeches at each other and she says "Will everyone stop talking as if everything you say is so important?" It's a magnificent self-own of the dialogue that Eyre completely fails to take notice of and goes right back to in the second act. Dull and repetitive, the arguments aren't even that easy to follow as everyone just chucks straw men around and they don't seem to actually be responding to each other. Yes, that's realistically how a lot of arguments work, but once again I feel the need to point out that realism doesn't always make for good drama.

With the play split between the wealthy family and the people trying to work for them while they get in the way, a clash between the two classes is inevitable, and centres around Neil's past with Florence: Val finds her face familiar and just assumes she was just one of the many mistresses, but of course their connection proves to be quite different and politically charged. Given Florence's arrival is a surprise to her co-workers she's presumably gone to some lengths to manoeuvre herself into a room where she can confront Neil, and I was expecting the story to twist in a dark direction, but in the end the evening fizzles out. Now pushing 80, Eyre could have long since retired, but I hope he's got one or two more successful directing gigs in him - it would be a shame for an illustrious career to fizzle out with this joyless play too.

The Snail House by Richard Eyre is booking until the 15th of October at Hampstead Theatre.

Running time: 2 hours including interval.

Photo credit: Manuel Harlan.

*the title The Snail House refers to a Nigerian proverb that's mentioned a couple of times; its relevance isn't entirely clear, but I think it might be about hoping Sarah sees past her inconsequential little concerns about the planet becoming uninhabitable, and returns to the family fold