Theatre review: The Crown Jewels

I guess the summer holidays are silly season for more than just the news cycle; either that or with the post-pandemic economy still affecting the UK's stages, there really is no guessing what's going to end up on them next. At the Garrick that means The Crown Jewels, a play by Simon Nye - best known as a TV writer - about the real events of 1671 when a small gang led by Colonel Blood (Aidan McArdle) botched an attempt to steal the Crown Jewels which British monarchs wear at their coronations. To be honest this was a show I was more than a little dubious about, but booked for pretty much because of some of the cast. And at first the broader-than-broad performances of Sean Foley's production made me wonder if I'd make it past the interval. But while I can't say I grew to love it, it definitely helped once I'd made the connection "oh, it's a panto."

The Irish-born Blood leads the heist as a protest against England's treatment of Ireland and to reclaim his ancestral land - although how much of this is real idealism and how much is an excuse to steal and fence the jewels for his own profit is another matter.

His accomplices include his son Tom Jr – Joe Thomas gives the distinct impression he doesn’t know what any of the words mean, but then again he’s Joe Thomas: If there’s one thing his TV and podcast appearances suggest about him in real life, it’s that he doesn’t know what anything means. Neil Morrisey has a fairly unimpactful part as the angry Captain Perrot, while as Jenny Blaine, a hammy actress even in-universe, Tanvi Virmani is lumbered with most of their scenes’ broader moments. They take advantage of the fact that the jewels of State are kept in a cupboard in the Tower of London, looked after by the elderly Talbot Edwards (Al Murray) and his family, who have a tendency to let strangers in to have a go wearing the crown.

With most of the cast doubling up roles, Murray mostly dominates the play as Charles II himself: Unsurprisingly the focus is on the king as the Merry Monarch, especially his numerous affairs and mistresses. Murray’s got top billing for a reason, as he spends a lot of the play onstage by himself, or riffing with his footman (Adonis Siddique) as his foil. Murray and Mel Giedroyc as an unnamed visiting French Noblewoman* fare best out of the evening as the cast members most allowed to flirt and ad-lib with the audience. And fair play, Murray’s comments about the theatre itself (“those of you in the restricted view seats, enjoy the architecture”) are the most honest I’ve heard from anyone actually performing in that place – Ben was very quick to point out that it exactly mirrored my customary grumble before any show at the Garrick.

The fact that Carrie Hope Fletcher’s Lady of the Bedchamber is pretty much only there to belt out the occasional musical interlude doesn’t make this feel any less like a panto; nor does a “chase” sequence with cardboard figures running around a map of the Tower. And there’s nothing wrong with panto, although it’d probably have helped if I’d known that’s what it was in advance. For a lot of the audience, including Ben, it was very much what they needed so it’s definitely doing something right. And for me it did raise a lot of smiles and a few good chuckles, but overall it’s pretty instantly forgettable stuff.

The Crown Jewels by Simon Nye is booking until the 16th of September at the Garrick Theatre; then continuing on tour to Salford, Canterbury, Cardiff and Milton Keynes.

Running time: 2 hours 15 minutes including interval.

Photo credit: Hugo Glendinning.

*frankly, the fact that those characters not based on real people don’t even have names, doesn’t exactly dispel the feeling that this was rushed to the stage to capitalise on the Coronation and having another King Charles on the throne