Theatre review: Titaníque

Docking at the Criterion after a successful run off-Broadway, Marla Mindelle, Constantine Rousouli and director Tye Blue's Titaníque couldn't call itself Titanic: The Musical because there already is one of them. But where that show tried to tell the story from the perspective of pretty much everyone on the iconic but doomed liner, this is what most people would probably expect from a Titanic musical: A stage adaptation of James Cameron's 1997 film juggernaut about how Kate Winslet liked Leonardo DiCaprio, but not quite enough to give him space on a fairly large door. With added Céline Dion, whose back catalogue makes this a jukebox musical, but who also gives it its deranged framing device: At a Titanic-themed museum, Dion (Lauren Drew) bursts in to announce they've got everything wrong and she should know, because she was there. Ignoring the fact that this would make her at least 150 years old, she proceeds to tell the story.

Theatre review: The Great British Bake Off Musical

Would you believe, my friend Ian says that sometimes he chooses what shows to come to with me because I've booked some camp old nonsense. The nerve! Anyway here's The Great British Bake Off Musical, a stage tribute to the international TV phenomenon best known for contestants who become instant best friends, technical challenges where the entire recipe reads "make a Latvian Backwards Cake," and a commitment to smutty double entendres that means nobody can make a blancmange without an accidentally-on-purpose pegging reference. The character names in Jake Brunger & Pippa Cleary's musical are made up, but the judges in particular make no disguise of who they're based on: Phil Hollinghurst (John Owen-Jones) is a silver-haired Scouse baker known for his blue eyes, bad jokes and dishing out handshakes as if they have inherent value. Pam Lee (Haydn Gwynne) is a Dame fond of statement necklaces, colourful glasses and desserts that are 90% booze.